tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6165393288283987838.post2872134104208744337..comments2024-02-02T15:37:59.678-05:00Comments on tony's miscellanea: More opportunity to voice your opinion.tonylhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15317371592063754371noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6165393288283987838.post-54599982589554290632012-11-07T05:54:57.126-05:002012-11-07T05:54:57.126-05:00Glad to hopefully help, hope I don't sound lik...Glad to hopefully help, hope I don't sound like a total jerk/ponce!!J. E. Medrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09505810773159064262noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6165393288283987838.post-62486896998641021802012-10-31T11:21:19.545-04:002012-10-31T11:21:19.545-04:00Hi, JE. Sorry to be away for a couple days.
Thank...Hi, JE. Sorry to be away for a couple days.<br /><br />Thanks for this analysis. I guess we don't always see words other than 'said.' Like 'while.' I can't believe almost 3% of the words are 'while!'<br /><br />I won't use it verbatim, but I'll certainly take the advice and example to heart.<br /><br />Thanks again!tonylhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15317371592063754371noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6165393288283987838.post-49369459899098779012012-10-28T22:24:29.036-04:002012-10-28T22:24:29.036-04:00GURK. There is waaaay too much info in this small...GURK. There is waaaay too much info in this small piece of writing.<br /><br />First, from a technical point of view, consider this:<br /><br />A year and a half after Mercenaries: A Love Story, Beckie Sverdupe has been working with her fiancé Ian Jamse <b>WHILE</b> attending college. <b>WHILE</b> enjoying her summer vacation, she gets a message: <b>WHILE</b> negotiating an Egyptian land dispute, Ian’s been shot!<br /><br />That... is a lot of redundancy. Not to mention you have two extra long sentences mashed together from 4-6 other sentences by using ":"... TWICE!<br /><br />Aside from telling us the first hook - Ian's been shot! - you go onto tell what I feel is the entire rest of the book. I came away trying to figure out exactly what I should focus on - the love story? the weather patterns? is there a conspiracy? wait, no it's about a land deal... or an assassin? or revenge? maybe about the vague "intolerance" mentioned? Err..?<br /><br />If I were to rewrite this blurb, it would look like something like this:<br /><br />***<br />Beckie Sverdupe has enjoyed life with her fiance Ian while balancing work and education. During a much needed rest she's shocked when she receives a (note? phone call? memo? e-mail?): Ian's been shot!<br />Now, she finds herself in a race against assassination, heartache and even the fury of nature. For Beckie, freedom has never mattered so much.<br />***<br /><br />But, I'm just one person. Use my suggestions or don't :)<br />J. E. Medrickhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09505810773159064262noreply@blogger.com