A New Description for Freedom Does Matter

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I'd asked for an opinion of the then current description for Freedom Does Matter. While he prefers not to have our exchanges posted, I am going to post the before and after versions, since those are both public and while his efforts are certainly reflected in the work, there is nothing that's specific to him.

At the beginning, I had:

Beckie Sverdupe is relaxing mid-summer before her sophomore year at college when a peaceful riding session ends with a horrifying text message: her fiancé and mentor, mercenary Ian Jamse, has been shot.

Beckie’s efforts to complete his work won’t be halted by assassination attempts, natural disasters or heartache. Is it revenge or justice that drives her to pursue the assassin? Her quest reveals a terrorist plot to foment war by killing thousands at iconic Wembley Stadium. Thwarting the plot brings her head-to-head with one man’s closed-mind attempts to redefine freedom.

Freedom Does Matter, the second Mercenaries story, is an older YA or NA action adventure, and is recommended for readers 15+ due to language and adult situations.

Following the suggestions, it now reads:

Mid-summer before her sophomore year at college, Beckie Sverdupe is grooming her horse when she receives horrifying news: her fiancé Ian Jamse has been shot and may be dead.

Leader of a successful mercenary team, Ian’s not only Beckie’s fiancé; he’s her mentor, training her as a team member after she made it clear that, having fallen in love with him, she would make their group more than just “soldiers for hire;” they’d be more “socially conscious” mercenaries, with longer life expectancies. The current job, an Egyptian land dispute negotiation, supposedly filled that requirement to a tee. Except it hadn’t: Ian was dying! 

Instead of returning to campus for Engineering classes, Beckie kisses Ian’s insensate lips and heads to Cairo to complete the negotiations. It’s her first solo assignment, and she’s determined to finish despite her fears for Ian. Tracking the gunman will be an added challenge spurred by renewed assassination attempts targeting the new mediator: her!

Her quest to gain justice— or revenge—for Ian reveals a conspiracy to incite the final Mideast war by killing thousands at iconic Wembley Stadium in London. As she unravels the plot, she comes head-to-head with one man’s bitter, intransigent attempts to redefine freedom. Will Ian love her again? Can Beckie thwart the terrorist honcho before the attack and eliminate one hateful voice of irrationality?

While Freedom Does Matter is set in the Mercenaries world, it may be enjoyed on its own.

 I'd appreciate any thoughts you might be willing to share. I'm going through a similar exercise with the first chapter, having enjoyed Kristen Lamb's First Five Pages Seminar, so I have a couple of days before I push the button. All else is in readiness!

I'm excited to get Freedom Does Matter out there! I hope your aspirations are going as well; you can talk about that in the comments, too, if you like.